k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
