Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
