I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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