dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
