Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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