Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
