Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
