She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
