Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
