I'm jealous of your bromance
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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