Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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