i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
