so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
