come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
