What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one