Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
