i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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