Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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