take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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