i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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