Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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