Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize