That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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