Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ketchup is God's man juice
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
