In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
