I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This toilet bowl is my home.
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