remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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