I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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