everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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