Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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