remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
