you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
