My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
