you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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