I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
