ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
