I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
