A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
