So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
