Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
she told me i tasted like america
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.