Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.