Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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