Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
