Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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