If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
