i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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