I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
