oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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