fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
