Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
