Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
