Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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