Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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