then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
