i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
