Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
