the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
