Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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