yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
