After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
